Hello, Saturday. My doorbell rang at 7:20 this morning. Five times, that I heard, but maybe more. See, because I was sleeping, I’m not sure how many times it rang before suddenness launched me from slumber to the door.
It was Jack, standing on the porch like a hobo, sleeping bag in hand, peering into the house through the crack in the blind. Home a little early from last night’s slumber party.
“Everything okay?” I asked as I opened the door.
“Well, remember you said I could come home whenever I wanted to?” Jack responded. “Well, Eddie’s dad came home and started smoking? And he smoked all night? And my throat kept hurting? And my eyes were watering? And I couldn’t really sleep? And he had so many cigarettes in both his pockets? And every time he finished one, he just lit another one from his pockets? And the house was so full of smoke I couldn’t breathe? But the only phones in the house were in Eddie’s parents’ room? So I told Eddie my dad said I could walk home whenever I wanted? And that I couldn’t breathe from all the smoke? And then? I packed up my sleeping bag? And I asked if he’d walk me downstairs? Because it’s really dark in his house? And there’s a big dog that sleeps in the living room? And he bites? But Eddie didn’t want to get out of bed? So I just went down by myself? And the dog started barking at me? But I just went out the door anyway? But I couldn’t figure out how to get it closed again the right way? So I just did the best I could? And I walked home.
"Can I take a bath? And can you light the candles?”
“Sure, Jack,” I said, leading him up the stairs.
“And, Dad,” he continued, “can we just burn these clothes?”
“Because they smell like smoke?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
“You want a cigarette too, kiddo,” I asked. “as long as we’re lighting candles and burning clothes?”
“Dad! Gross! The candles are just to help me relax! And I think my clothes are ruined and they smell so bad we shouldn’t even give them to Goodwill! I can’t believe you asked if I want a cigarette. That’s disgusting, even as a joke!”
He was right. It was kind of depraved for me to be jokingly promoting something addictive like that.
But it was so early, and I hadn’t even had my first pot of coffee.