US Airways website: Welcome to US Airways! How can I help you today?
Me: Yes hello I have 70,000 miles and would like to book 2 tickets from Pittsburgh to San Francisco.
US Airways website: No problem! What dates would you like to travel?
Me: Here are the dates I would like to travel.
US Airways website: Uh oh.
Me: What? Why did you do that?
US Airways website: It's not that we don't have seats available...
Me: Okay
US Airways website: It's that we don't have any that you can buy with your miles.
Me: Wait, what? It says here that you do.
US Airways website: Right, well, we do.
Me: Okay
US Airways website: But those seats cost 25,000 miles per traveler...
Me: Fine. I have 70,000 miles. Let's do this.
US Airways website: ...each way.
Me: WHY? Are they different than the 12,500-mile seats that are sold out?
US Airways website: Yes!
Me: Oh, okay, well maybe I...
US Airways website: They're "Hi Coach" seats. Those other seats are "Lo Coach" seats.
Me: So wait, what's the difference?
US Airways website: 12,500 miles! Haha, gotcha there, didn't I...
Me: Very funny.
US Airways website: But seriously, that's the difference.
Me: So 100,000 miles for me and my wife to go to San Francisco?
US Airways website: Plus the booking fee.
Me: Right. But then what about these other seats that are also 25,000-milers? What's with them?
US Airways website: Oh, those are first class seats.
Me: So I'm going to have to spend 100,000 miles regardless, but I can choose to fly first class for no additional charge?
US Airways website: That's right! Would you like to book?
Me: Yeah, okay, let's do this.
US Airways website: Aww, you don't have enough miles!
Me: Right, I told you when I got here, I have 70,000 miles.
US Airways website: Do you want to get more miles? You could sign up for this credit card over here, or if you want, you can just buy some miles from me right now.
Me: I already have the credit card. I guess I should just buy some extr–
US Airways website: Great! How many do you need?
Me: SEEMS LIKE ABOUT 30,000 MILES
US Airways website: Please, there's no need to yell, Mr. Barnes. I can sell you the miles you need.
Me: Fine. How much?
US Airways website: Let's see here. For 30,000 miles, it's only going to cost you $740 today.
Me: SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS?
US Airways website: Seven hundred and forty dollars, yes. How would you like to pay for this.
Me: Hold on. What would it cost me to just buy the damn tickets with cash instead of miles??
US Airways website: I'll check on that. Stand by...
US Airways website: ...
US Airways website: Ah! Here it is! I can sell you those tickets for $709.
Me: Oh, that's ridiculous. $709 per person? No thanks.
US Airways website: No, that's for the two of you.
Me: So it will cost me less to buy the tickets in cash and keep my miles, than to buy the additional miles required to use my miles?
US Airways website: Exactly! Then you can save your miles for another adventure on US Airways!
Me: Oh that sounds just fabulous.
US Airways website: Doesn't it?
Me: I was being sarcastic. Fine, let's book those.
US Airways website: Okay! I can book those. Stand by...
US Airways website: ...
US Airways website: Oh no! It looks like those seats are all sold out. Would you like to adjust your travel dates?
Me: You're kidding me. You are kidding me, right? Refresh the page. Check again.
US Airways website: Welcome to US Airways! How can I help you today?
Me: What? Where did the other page go? Where are the fares? What's happening?
US Airways website: Welcome to US Airways! How can I help you today?
Me: [flips tables, drains whiskey]
US Airways website: Welcome to US Airways! How can I help you today?