Conner, who’s supposed to be sick, comes running through the kitchen from the basement, Jack hot on his tail.
“Start humping!” yells Jack. Alex is right behind him. Conner stops, plants his feet, and begins moving his hips in a way that looks like he’s trying to churn invisible butter using an invisible slinky dangling from his ass.
“Whoa,” I interrupt. “Do you guys have any idea whatsoever what ‘humping’ is?”
Every analog clock within earshot loses its hands. Nobody breathes.
“No,” Jack shakes his head soberly.
“HUMPING,” emphasis mine, “is the same as 'having sex.’ It’s when a man sticks his penis into a woman’s vagina. It’s what makes a woman pregnant.”
Maybe I messed them up by giving it to them hetero like that, I dunno. I just don’t want them knocking up some 11-year-old, that’s what I’m thinking about as Jack responds, “OhhhhhhhhKAY,” and motions to the brothers almost undetectable to me and they all disappear downstairs.
“You guys need to shower now,” I continue, as if it’s part of the explanation. “Dinner’s gonna be ready in 15 minutes.”
They scamper away to the basement bathroom. Scurry away, maybe. They’re unusually quiet. And I get it, you know? I definitely get it.
The shower starts. I hear a toilet lid go up. Someone closes the bathroom door. In the kitchen, I’m directly above them - maybe 6 feet separate my feet from their heads and there’s no sub-flooring in our house. No soundproofing. No protection for any of us from what comes next.
“So THAT’S how they make babies!” Conner declares with astonishment.
“Yeah,” says Alex, “but it won’t work on us. We’re not girls.”